I got a stomach bug on my last trip to Winnipeg. I ended up wasting a day in my hotel room, unable to leave for fear of shitting my pants. I dozed and internetted during most of the day and in the evening I watched television. I ordered a small, light meal from room service, ate it slowly and cautiously and kept it down. Then I rolled over and shit the bed without warning.
Staying in a hotel has its advantages. I stripped the bed and dumped everything in the hallway; washed up in the bathroom and put the soiled towels out in the hallway; called Housekeeping to pick up the soiled linens; and moved into the other bed. Cool. It happened again in the middle of the night, but then I didn’t have a clean bed to move in to. I wrapped myself in a complimentary bathrobe and spread a towel on the bare mattress. That’s when I started feeling sorry for my future self, imagining myself living alone and poor in an HLM with a laundromat in the basement, wondering how long it would take me before I stopped changing the sheets when I was sick.
Then I realised I hadn’t been paying attention to all the television ads I’d been watching. Of course. When I am that sick, in that situation, I will just wear diapers.
The next morning I didn’t try to eat right away, but took a taxi to work and set my things up in my usual conference room. Then I walked to a drugstore and bought myself a package of Depends and changed into them before getting breakfast at the company cafeteria. They are surprisingly comfortable, which is good to know. I kept a couple of changes in my purse for the flight back to Montreal that afternoon, but I didn’t need them. The bug seemed to have run its course. And all day I was thinking of the Active Woman in the Depends ads, who can leave her home to lead a Busy Life. And I thought how liberating the availability of a disposable consumer product can be.
ugh, so sorry you had that experience. Coincidentally, I was thinking the other day how long it will be before an enterprising entrepreneur will make cloth diapers for adults like they do for infants :).
Comment by Kathleen — Tuesday, October 14th, 2008 @ 07:25
Alison, very funny! I think the sentence that cracked me up most of all was, “Cool.” I recognize kindred spirits in follks who are able to write hilariously and comfortably about poop.
Any reason in particular you sent us a link to this on Election Day?
Comment by Susan — Tuesday, October 14th, 2008 @ 08:26
I used to work for a cotton diaper service, so (Susan) that may have something to do with my ease: my first job there was counting the dirty diapers; and (Kathleen) yes, cotton diapers for adults do exist. They’re huge though, and not something I could wear outside the house without considerable modification to my wardrobe. In particular, dressing for corporate work requires a certain amount of suppression of personal information, and wearing a large, bulky cotton diaper would be considered TMI and probably a career-limiting decision.
When I get to the point of needing them regularly I’ll evaluate my circumstances then, but for occasional use it’s going to be disposables. Unfortunately.
I like washable menstrual cloths though!
Comment by alison — Wednesday, October 15th, 2008 @ 06:51
Oh my god, that totally cracked me up. Not the shitting part… that was rather sad, and I felt for ya. But about the depends. Of course! So glad to know they are comfy! And will spare us the humility and the laundry. ;D Great post. You should send it to Depends… maybe they’ll sponsor your blog!
Comment by Leanne — Wednesday, October 15th, 2008 @ 21:00